Our youngest son is nervous about birthdays, particularly his own. Bright, crinkling, ripping paper, and the unknown surprise within. Loved ones loudly singing happy birthday in unison. Iced cakes with smoky candles. Being the centre of everyone’s attention. For a child with sensory autism, even happy events can be a little too much.
For the first few years of trying to understand our two autistic sons, I tried hard to gently introduce traditional birthday elements. Eventually, I paired everything back and asked myself: what is a birthday?
The cake with the candles is a sweet treat that commemorates the years. So my son and I bake cupcakes together. We whisper “you are eight today” softly in his ear and hold him close.
Then there are parties. They show that people care and want to celebrate with you. So we invite his grandparents over, who are very understanding and know to be gentle with him.
Then we take our son to the top of a hill for his “party.” The breeze up here is so exhilarating that all sound is cancelled out. It acts like white noise. Our son removes his hands from his ears and relaxes.
Then there are birthday presents. We know we want to give our children the gift of our time over a huge pile of toys. We also try and keep our house as minimal as possible, to make it a comfortable and safe place for our younger sons and baby daughter. It is a birthday though, and we do want to give something he might really want, something very special.
At the top of the hill, one of his favourite places because of the gales and the height, we give him his present. It is not wrapped in bright paper. It is enclosed in a small, dark, waterproof toggle bag.
Inside is a tiny pocket kite.
Although our youngest son has never flown a kite before, he knows straight away what it is and a giant smile is brightening his whole face. I have picked a kite that has only one string, so that it will be easy for him to learn to fly it. It has no frame, so will float about with the slightest breeze, but will never crash heavily to the ground. It has a very long tail, as one thing our son really does love is to run around with streamers and ribbons.
Whilst he and my husband practise flying the kite, our other children run around shouting encouragement. If it falls to the ground, they speed over to launch it back into the air within seconds.
Our son is usually non-verbal but he is calling “Kite! Kite!” and we reply “Yes! Your birthday kite!”
Whilst our eldest son takes the birthday boy for a spot of rock climbing, our third son tries out the kite too…
… and of course, our 18 month old daughter is equally keen.
We christen the kite “the rainbow flier” after a plane we built out of cardboard boxes when our eldest boys were toddlers. Our second son had named it, after the use of every crayon they owned to decorate it, and they kept it for a long time until it fell apart.
I now know that I want every family birthday to be as mindful and unique as this one. The traditional trappings are only there as a set-piece to help make the day special – and maybe they should be more of a starting point than all-encompassing.
Our son is back playing with his kite as the sun sets. His best birthday yet.
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Thank you Ellie x
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Your sharing is always a pleasure to read x
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How lovely!
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Thank you Sheree x
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That’s so lovely, thanks for sharing
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Thank you Sharon x
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Would that every child had parents who really paid such attention to who she or he is, and responded.
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Thank you very much Ellen … I think it’s just (for me at least) about breaking through that barrier of what’s expected. I’m getting gradually better at it!
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That is the essence of birthday well done! Poetic and lovely.
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Thank you very much! It means a lot that you think so x
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Each person is unique and enjoys a different celebration. Your child is very lucky you are observant enough to know what a good one is for them.
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Thank you very much x He is a beautiful, if very complicated, little fellow 🙂
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I’m whispering happy birthday to your son. Coming here always puts a warm smile on my face. You have such a beautiful way with your family 🙂 🙂
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Thank you Jo x I guess what I am trying to show is that life is quite complicated with autism – but there is so much joy too. Usually when we have to work around something, it works out far better anyway 🙂
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Having your attitude must make life so much better for all of you 🙂 🙂
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Happy, happy! A perfect celebration for your son.
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Thank you Laurie x He did have a lovely day 🎈
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Lovely post and what a happy birthday for your son!
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Thank you very much Irene! xxx
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How absolutely delightful, such a special birthday to remember! Most thoughtful …
Nice to meet you 🙂
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Thank you Kate 🙂 x
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most welcome!
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Happy Birthday, little guy. And always a good breeze around to relax in.
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Thank you! I am trying to think up an inventive way of sharing all of these wonders birthday wishes with him x
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All in its own good time.
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He’s the same age as out youngest, incidentally. 🙂
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Awwr 🙂 Even though we have had our daughter since, he is still thought of as “the youngest” because he is our littlest son 🙂
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I can see how that would work. 🙂 Enjoy your weekend!
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You understand your children so well. What a blessing for all of you! I know there are times when you feel as if you don’t or can’t do anything right, but what you write here let’s me know that you do overall and that’s what counts. I would love that sort of birthday as well, although I don’t mind a good party with good friends and good food and drink. But being outdoors is one of the best gifts ever.
janet
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That is so true – and often things look like they are going wrong and it all works out for the better x I’m very glad if my writing is giving an optimistic vibe 😀 I can’t write without mentioning the autism, as it permeates everything we plan and do … but at the same time it brings such joy in life’s small triumphs ♥️
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What a beautiful story. I teared up reading about his excitement and saying kite. Thank you for sharing your world.
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Thank you very much – we’ve all been so moved by the reaction to the post x I love reading your blog too x
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What a lovely boy and .I am sure he had a birthday that he will remember as flying high and with the kite. I noticed everyone was wrapped up, but dad in shorts!
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Ha yes! When not at work, my husband wears shorts all year round. He doesn’t seem to feel the cold – probably because he’s Scottish 🙂
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Okay, my eyes leaked a tad reading this. I love how you listen to and are able to interpret his needs. That’s love.
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Thank you so much Jo x I’m always a lot more nervous writing about our children as opposed to landscapes – I really appreciate all the support x I’m trying to figure away of conveying all of these messages to my son 🙂
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Such sensitive adaptation and a present that demonstrates your knowledge of your son
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Thank you Derrick 🙂 I’m a lot more at ease going with my instinct now, than worrying about what would be normal 🌿 We’re hoping to take the kite flying again very soon 🪁
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What a treat to read this Mrs TP, and that you gave such a thoughtful present… It is a memory within my own childhood of my dad buying a kite while on holiday in Skegness when I was a young child, and then bringing it home for me and my siblings to fly it in the hills of our village in the Derbyshire Peak..
Its something I know your children will remember for a long time…
Happy Belated Birthday to your Son… I love your Mindfulness my friend 🙂
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I hope the memory does stay with him – what a lovely thought that he might remember it as you do your first kite 🪁 Thank you for the lovely comment x
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Your welcome 🤗
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Aw Happy Birthday to your boy. I remember my sister and I flying kites as children. Fun times. X
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Thank you very much Shazza 😃 I love how everyone is remembering their childhood kites – gives me great hope my little one will remember too x
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This bought a lump to my throat.
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Thank you so much x We’ve been ever so touched by the messages here about our son’s story x
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What a beautiful post and such a beautiful family. God be with you all. Kite flying is such fun 🎂🎉🌹
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Thank you very much Ashok 🙂 Namaste x
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My pleasure 😇 Namasate 😊🙏
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This is lovely, such a thoughtful and personal birthday for your son but something the whole family enjoyed and participated in. X
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This brought such joy to my heart! Not only he enjoyed but also the whole family enjoyed with him! Happy Birthday to him…………😊
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Lovely ! Wind, light, love, quiet tenderness. Well done.
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I have an autistic granddaughter with severe learning disabilities.
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I hope she is doing really well and enjoying life x
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Beautiful. This inspires me to try to go more gently with my highly sensitive son…rather than responding intensely which overstimulates him. Wonderful you’re welcoming his differences with such grace. Bless you and your family!
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Thank you Anna x I know exactly what you mean – our autistic sons seem to even pick up on a tense atmosphere around them, it’s all about keeping everything calm x Love to you and yours too x
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Thank you so much. Keep doing your gentle approach! 🙂
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What a beautiful post, the whispered message is so lovely ❤️
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Thank you very much for the lovely response Kellie, really appreciated 🌿
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Thank you for giving your son a day on which his desires were heard over societal expectations. It made me cry a little. Hugh
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What a delightful short story about your children and celebrating special events.
I do hope your son had an enjoyable birthday.
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